The Regressive Party endorses
Dr. Ben Carson for Surgeon General

Dr. Ben Carson puts the weight of his vast medical training to work ignoring modern medical knowledge about conception and likening abortion to primitive cultures performing human sacrifice. The Regressive Party applauds Dr. Carson's brave stance against such Godless liberal scientific evidence. A source inside the Carson campaign tells us that once in place as America's Surgeon General he shall pull back the curtain on other such medical quackery, exposing practices like hand washing as the pointless if not downright damaging liberal plots that they are. Dr. Carson knows that germs are nothing more than demons sent from Hell to weaken our resolve, and no amount of soap can harm the devil himself. 

Medical Science has proven that when we are sick, we are more likely to commit mortal sin. In this way the Devil grows his infernal army of abortionists."    -A source inside the Carson campaign